Existings’ Not Enough

I have found myself in a predicament that nearly caused an existential crisis. I kept looking for answers. The main one is why me. Finally, I stopped asking why me, and instead asked why not me. What makes me less deserving than any other of pain.

Then, a phrase used in my presence on multiple occasions by a mentor of mine began playing on repeat in my mind. Better me than someone else. Those busy attempting to cause me pain are preoccupied and therefore not harming anyone else.

Almost instantaneously in a trance of epiphany, the answer to why me revealed itself. Because I can handle it.

My entire life has been a battle. I’ve fought to survive for so long that the armor I wear to preserve my life has inhibited me from truly living it. In my youth, my mother used to cry, almost daily and in my presence.

I decided I would not cry. I would not be sad. I would not allow anyone close enough to harm me. This position I took inevitably forced my sympathetic nervous system into a state of permanent hypervigilance, never allowing the adrenaline within me to dissipate. Calcifying me and leaving space for little more than the rage I unconsciously possess.

Recently, something dormant inside me has been awakened. My desire to live. Not just to be alive but to truly live. Live in the moment, enjoy it, appreciate it. To stop impatiently waiting for the next moment to arrive.

It took something as mind-bending as this current situation I find myself in, to jolt me out of the trance I was in. To remember that while death may not scare me, the effects my death will have on my children does.

Deeper still, the impact my life will have. The memories of how I chose to live my life. That with breathe in my lungs, I failed to convey my love. That they were more aware than I let myself believe that I was never fully engaged in any moment.

How tragic if the actions I took to protect the ones I love from the pain of loss and the evils of the world is the most damaging experience of their lives.

With that realization, I intend to walk in the spirit of gratefulness and love. I understand now that to remove the remnants of fear from my core; I must consciously CHOOSE life.

I must live every day as if it is the last while continuing to plan for the future, I may be blessed to experience.